Mr and Mrs Oakley

I have some Oakley sunglasses. They cost me a lot of money so I look after them as best I can. Unfortunately over the years they have met with a few mishaps leaving them needing repairs. After collecting an Oakley returns box I have posted them to the relevant department at Oakley HQ, accompanied by a letter explaining my needs. This letter has always been the highlight for me of what is a boring process. Writing it with my left hand in the style of a small child hopefully makes the day more interesting for Oakley's assigned mechanic and I believe is the reason I've never been charged and, in one instance, been given a brand new pair of glasses for free. This is excellent customer relations from Oakley and now I tell everyone I meet to buy their glasses. This wonderful company's website is here.

Anyway, my latest letter to Oakley read as follows...

12th May 2009

Dear Mr & Mrs Oakley (I am assuming you are still together),

It's happened again. My dad has once again bent his beloved sunglasses and, once again, he is distrawt at this loss. He is more upset than when mum left.

Heer is what happened...

Dad and his new girlfriend (who is lovely, you'd like her) went for a piknik up the hill at that nice bit. They were enjoying the sunshine but then it got cloudy so my dad took off his glasses because of all the clouds.

When his girlfriend got up to leave, somehow the arm of the glasses got caught in her jacket and bent. Dad has tried to get them back into shape so as not to bother you but they don't stay in that shape and are wonky on my dad's face making his head look lop-sided and weird, giving me freequant nightmares about trendy zombies.

While Dad doesn't blame his girlfriend for what happened it has put quite a strain on their relationship.

Since you have always been so good to us in the past I thought I would write again. Dad really loves his Oakleys and always encourages people to "buy Oakley." In fact, I don't know if you have sales figures to hand from the Cheltenham region but I would imagine he would be indirectly responsible for the majority of those sales. He is very much an ambassadoor for Oakley.

Please oh please can you fix my dad's glasses? You would be making a sad man very happy.

Thank you Mr & Mrs Oakley! You're the best!

love from

Chris Smith, aged 8... and a bit

Leopold Speaks Of Mountains

I remember the first time I feared that Leopold Fumbleguts might be losing his thinking faculties. It was a sunny day in June some years ago and we were sitting on a beach in Devon. Leopold was hushed, having spent considerable time erecting one of those traditional-style deckchairs, his tweed trousers rolled up just above his shins. He was staring out to sea, taking in every little detail his eyes would light upon when he broke the silence with an astonishing statement.

"In my time," he began, "I've had a hand in designing many, many mountain ranges."

I said nothing.

"Does that not impress you?" he asked, turning his gaze to me.

"With respect," I said, "Are you sure?"

He turned back to face the sea. "Silly boy. Of course I'm sure. It's really quite simple... All you do is hold your pen or pencil up to the horizon, close one eye and draw a series of triangles of varying size. Then you start your shading. If you want the peaks to be snow-capped, reach for the chalk."

He sounded utterly convinced. I hadn't the heart to tell him he was bonkers.

IMAGES

Top: Panoramic view approximately half way up Ben More, Isle of Mull, Scotland

Bottom: 360 degree panoramic view from the summit of Ben More, Isle of Mull, Scotland

Leopold Fumbleguts' Gives Advice #1

Spending time with Leopold Fumbleguts was always exciting. The man had packed so much into his life that no matter what the subject Leopold would always have an anecdote to fit. That was why he was so popular among the young upper-class of the 1940s. A soiree was never complete without the eccentric presence of "Cousin Leo," as they called him. 

There was a time, I remember him telling me, when the local fire brigade had to be called to his friend's huge country estate Leopold had been invited to one night - all because a young lady had found one of Leopold's tales so hilarious that she set fire to the curtains, burning down half the East Wing. Leopold's friend was so impressed by his wit that immediately he invited Leopold to his next dinner party, to be relocated to the North Wing two weeks hence.

After relating this night to me, along with countless others, I sat back in Leopold's worn leather armchair, took a sip of the 1958 Glen Garioch he had poured for me and asked him how he found it so effortless to entertain and regale others.

"My dear boy," he said, "It's all smoke and mirrors. As soon as the guests are in attendance, you merely slip into the conversation something about a monkey. It doesn't matter what and it doesn't have to be true, just introduce a little monkey into proceedings. Everybody likes monkeys which means, by association, everybody will like you. Monkey, monkey, monkey! It doesn't matter what you say after that, people will have a jolly good time!"

Which I think explains the picture above.

The Beginining...

There's nothing like a blank canvas to bring on an attack of writer's block. The Leopold Fumbleguts Memoirs has been running for some weeks now and I've cleverly avoided writing anything upon it. Leopold must be turning in his grave, bitterly disappointed in his student.

There are some good signs though. Before a word has been written, this blog has three followers - a pretty good start even if they are all close friends of mine.

So what do I see this blog achieving? Many wonderful things. I just don't know what they are yet, though you can be sure of some unwitting self-promotion, for which I apologise in advance. 

Over the years I've written many short stories and noted down observations about our fantastically desperate and desperately fantastic species. During the quiet times some of these will probably appear on my blog to make it look like I'm being productive. Also, as with Wisdom Of Ken, past projects may find their way onto these pages for the critical eye and, perhaps, readers' enjoyment. By past projects I mean some design work I've done, either for commercial purposes or personal, and maybe even the odd photo. 

Whilst your eyes study my visual contributions, perhaps your ears would appreciate some experimental trip-hop by my good friend Milos Pilo. I'll upload some of his tracks if that's possible.

Well, that's it. You may now carry on doing what you were doing, and may you achieve all you set out to do. Do check back soon because I really think I'm about to come out with something good and you wouldn't want to miss it now, would you?